I lost myself this year
~ words to soothe your isolation
I’ve touched old versions of myself in the clothes that I’ve donated this past year.
My fingers risking any residue of who she was and her begging to linger.
Fabrics so weaved into my being that I can’t remember if this sweater was from last season or if it was just that iteration of me that doesn’t belong this upcoming fall.
I gently pet these pieces as if I were saying goodbye to old friends. Friends that may not have been the best fit for me or carried wool that was itchy to new visions that wanted to be worn.
Nonetheless, I grieved so hard in 2024.
I mourned closets upon closets. All filled to the brim with attire that kept me from living a life that made me feel the warmth of the soft cotton of my dreams.
I saw outfits that were holding me back and I had to give them my peace.
I tried on styles that asked me to keep quiet and not let out a peep of what I was going through off social screens.
This past year, I became naked.
I began to learn how to sew for the first time in my life metaphorically.
It became a great responsibility to make my own clothes.
To take ownership of what you wear is a dangerous task at hand.
It asks you to step into a different type of shoe- the clog that whispers “You were destined for this” and it will scare the shit out of you.
I had to stare straight into an empty wardrobe to fully see that the fit check of them all was my commitment to me.
I’ve been isolated for over 2 years now in the creative online sphere.
Lost, stranded, swimming out to sea.
Any hope of a lighthouse was either not in resonance with the light I was seeking or was too dim or quite frankly, too harsh in its way of incandescence.
I got rid of all my garments, swam with my bare body, and took it upon myself to be the guiding light that was missing.
I’ve paddled the oceanic depths of my “in-betweens” so that I can offer a moment of ah-ha brilliance in the form of support for others who bravely skinny-dip in online creation.
You don’t have to do this alone anymore ~ says my towel of assurance who offers you connection in times of shivering need.
I learned to sew the towels that I needed when I thought I was naked, alone, and shipwrecked for centuries.
Conversations are what keep us sane.
Conversations keep us from constantly questioning our ability to plunge into the deep end of our potential.
I made the swift discovery that isolation was actually what I needed to come back to a true inner home. It was the gift of starting conversations that led me there.
I was lost in January.
I was lost in July.
Being lost through various moments and seasons gave me the compass of seeing it as a re-direction, and not a halt.
When you’re lost and isolated, the spirit beaming inside you prefers the outfit of a shell.
The shell has a protective function, but its purpose dries over time.
Your purpose is not to become a fossil but to become a living breathing exclamation point. Use your outer layers wisely.
The biggest conversation starter was talking to myself through old notebooks that ask for a physical re-birthing (poor things).
If you are feeling astray at all, steer your ship to your own wording. Arrive back to your times of writing or self-conversations while driving. Externalize the hell out of your isolation so that you can co-regulate with the pages that follow.
If you are lost, you are to be found.
If you are butt naked in your life with not a single thing to wear, slip on a ring.
If you find yourself without community, become attuned to parts of you that would like to start a commune inside you.
You don’t have to do this alone.
You never do.
Co-regulation can begin to unwind with podcasts that resonate, hearing a voice memo from a far-away friend, and other means outside of a big fancy community. This leads you to the exact people who *get it* like you do.
Become attuned to the essentials of your character, find places and spaces that match those essentials, and then watch the discovery process unfold.
I hope you find you.
I hope you know that you are who you’re seeking.
Enjoy the unearthing of what September brings you.
x
big love —
~ sierra
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“I had to meet my internal tsunami to make do with my lifeboat.”
Good grief that hit me. Thank you for sharing these perspectives and processes and nuggets.
when you announced this post yesterday, i knew i would be devouring it when it became available today, and i was so right.